Tuesday, June 23, 2009
#21. Being Quiet During Movies
Black people love going to the movies and enjoying cinematic escapism. Movies offer not only Black people, but all races, the opportunity to immerse themselves into celluloid comfort and to live vicariously through their favorite actors for an hour or two, before returning to the routine of life.
One thing Black people do not like, however, is not engaging the movie screen and refraining from interjecting opinion and a personal soundtrack into the film. Black people love to talk during movies, whether it is to their friends next to them; three rows behind them; or to their friend in another state via a cellular device.
Black people find talking to the movie screen during scenes of distress and intense action a soothing experience, and some Black people actually subscribe to the interesting theory that the louder they are during a film, the more their voice will likely alter the outcome and finality of the film.
This has yet to be proven - that the more decibels produced by Black people during a film can actually change the outcome of the movie - but it is continuously and rigorously tested during all films Black people attend and the hypothesis has yet to be discounted as false.
A Google search of the term "Black people loud at movies" returns more than 1.4 million hits, which means this phenomenon of Black people being loud at movies is not isolated to any particular geographic region where Black people live or where they view movies. "Black people talking during movies" returns almost 50 million hits on Google.
All movie-goers who attend movies with Black people are routinely bombarded with cell phone conversations; cries of hope, despair and directions of where the protagonist of the film should hide or where to run next to avoid the clutches/knife of the villain; and the occasional conversation between two Black people who attend the film about their life.
At a movie, it is a prerequisite that you leave all your excess emotional baggage at the door and engage in a total suspension of belief. However, Black people are incapable of being quiet during movies and thus, find it highly annoying that other moviegoers are not more attune to their needs during the film you have just paid $10 dollars to see.
This problem manifested itself in Philadelphia at the end of 2008, when a Black father and son where talking during the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. An irate movie patron, unaware of the thought to be universally-known theory that Black people can change the outcome of the movie by talking during the film, shot the dad in the arm.
Sadly, Benjamin Button continued getting younger and died. A yet to be confirmed rumor of another Black person who talked during this film yielded opposite results: Brad Pitt's eponymous character stopped aging and the movie ended happily.
Black people love movies, but they don't like to be quiet during them. Now you know why.