Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Thank you from Stuff Black People Don't Like

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The Editor of Stuff Black People Don't Like

#210. Georgia Tech Students

Black people love Atlanta. "The City to Busy to Hate," is what many would consider the No. 1 Black city in the world (Detroit holds that title), and was recently called, by Ebony magazine the Black mecca:
"But with the push of the Civil Rights Movement and the leadership of a cadre of Black mayors, Atlanta has undergone an amazing transformation, becoming a booming international metropolis and a magnet for the legions of upwardly mobile, young Black professionals who flock there each year."
Atlanta is roughly 54 percent Black, although it was the biggest city in America to see a massive influx in white people between 2000 and 2006:
"Atlanta is also seeing a unique and drastic demographic increase in its white population, and at a pace that outstrips the rest of the nation. It increased from 31 percent in 2000 to 35 percent in 2006, a numeric gain of 26,000, more than double the increase between 1990 and 2000. The trend seems to be gathering strength with each passing year."
Black people do not like that at all, as Atlanta is their home and their turf. It is where the Martin Luther King Jr. Center is located, numerous Civil Rights Museums and The Varsity, one of the largest employers of Black people in the world.

When you enter Hartsfield-Jackson Airport's main terminal, you are greeted by a mural which depicts Olympic Park in Atlanta and has a large Black girl, whose beautiful Ebony arms metaphorically hug you, welcoming you into the loving arms of Atlanta.

Black people love Atlanta so much that have tried to dissuade white people from moving to Atlanta by making the city the No. 2 least safe to live in in the United States. Black people have made Atlanta a very unsafe place to live, the correlation due to the rising white population, which they wish to be rid of at any cost. Even by a massive increase in crime, if it means to keep the city in Black hands.

You see Atlanta is the Black mecca, so the rising crime rate is a warning to white people: this is our city, not yours.

Case in point the Georgia Institute of Technology, or as its most commonly known Georgia Tech, one of the top engineering schools in the nation. 65 percent of the undergrads at the school, located in the heart of Atlanta, are white, compared to only 6 percent African American.

The school, one of the top institutions of higher learning in world, has seen a rash of attacks on students in 2009 and all of the have been perpetrated by African Americans. This marks the 13th attack on students that has been reported in 2009, all by Black people trying to protect their city against the incoming tide of white people.
Police say the teens shot Patrick Whaley, 22, ( a white student ) last month at the Tivoli Tenside Apartments on Northside Drive.The teens robbed Whaley and a couple before fleeing, police said.
Three Black teens were arrested in this shooting.

In an email to Georgia Tech parents, the school is trying to calm fears of a growing epidemic, Black crime in the name of protecting the Blackest city in America, against white students at the school:
“I want to reassure you that we are committed to making our campus and the surrounding neighborhoods, where our students, faculty and staff reside, as safe as possible,” Tech President G.P. “Bud” Peterson wrote to parents... ,“Individuals walking alone at night are at significantly higher risk than those who practice basic awareness and prevention techniques."
Of course, the school did not come out and say that Black people are behind the attack on students, but they left the knowledge of ascertaining this fact to those who will be attacked, hoping that then the person robbed will begin to understand who pulls the strings of power in Atlanta, like the Wizard in The Wizard of Oz.

No, Black people will continue to commit crimes in Atlanta, in the hope of making it 2009's least safe city in America and bidding to keep Atlanta the No. 1 Black city.

Stuff Black People Don't Like will include Georgia Tech students, because dorky white kids are the easiest kids to pick on in the world.

Monday, June 29, 2009

#52. Lord of the Dance

It is a well-known fact that Black people love to dance. Go to any night club,church, high school sporting event or any place Black people congregate and you will see Black people dancing.

Black people love rhythm, displaying soul and harmony, being hip and showing off their incredible dance moves. Ask anyone who has ever viewed a step-team show on a college campus and seen the incredible discipline and choreographed maneuvers that Black people, and you will get an answer in the affirmative that Black people can dance.

Most people know of the famous Florida A&M marching band, which gives off Clark Kent impression of being a normal band, but is actually the Superman of college bands, easily besting all traditionally white college bands with more booty shaking moves than Tom Cruise displayed in Tropic Thunder.

To Black people, traditional white people marching bands are boring, silly, rigid and well, white. Black people look down on white people who play in marching bands and don't display the same soul that they do; in fact a movie was made called Drumline, that's plot continually boasts about the coolness, freshness and Blackness of the authentic marching band... the Black marching band.

The idea of Black people dancing superiority largely centers around the pernicious myth that white people can't dance. It's not that white people can't dance, it's just that white people look silly trying to emulate Black people dancing.

So as much as Black people love to jive, beat box, step-show, grind and gyrate on the dance floor (especially in rap videos), there is one type of dancing that is included in Stuff Black People Don't Like, and for good reason too: Michael Flatley and his Lord of the Dance.

Unlike step-shows and Black college bands, the latter consisting of stomping, yelling, clapping and sometimes contain canes and the former consisting of, well this, Lord of the Dance is an exhibition of perfection of harmony and choreography. It also consists of white people performing exquisite and complex moves in absolute perfect precision. Yes, white people performing complex dance steps, thus completely dispelling the myth that white people can't dance. In fact, one viewing of Lord of the Dance, and most people walk away believing that the Celtic dancers are the finest dancers in the world.

This is too much for Black people, who have been constantly told that they are the world's best dancers, in actuality the only people who can dance. Black people truly believe that white people can't dance, and write off the Lord of the Dance as an aberration.

Black people look at the white people dancing in Lord of the Dance and wonder if all those people on the stage underwent the same bleaching procedure that Michael Jackson endured.

Black people view the popularity of Lord of the Dance with weary eyes. The mere existence of these Irish folks performing sold out shows around the world to rapturous crowds - overwhelming white crowds - helps to dilute the idea of Black superiority in dancing. Black people do not like to be inferior in anything, and stay clear of Lord of the Dance.

Anytime they see white people dancing in unison and to beautiful Celtic music, the fear of white people losing the idea of Black superiority in dancing is never far behind. This myth must stand, for Black people pride themselves on their dance moves and to be usurped on the dance floor by white people, especially the Irish, would be the ultimate injustice to Black people.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

#190. Michael Jackson (The White Version)

The world of popular culture has been shattered this week, with the news of the death of Michael Jackson tearing down one of the main pillars of pop iconography. The reclusive, somewhat bizarre Jackson endeared himself to millions of adoring fans worldwide and his death has left a permanent void within each of their pop culture-worshiping hearts.

An entire industry is now devoid of its largest source of revenue, as fears of tabloid magazines stopping publication run rampant. No more stories of failed plastic surgery; noses falling off; babies being held over the edge of a balcony; purported pederast-esque behavior; or horrible stories of bleaching of his epidermis to appear white.

No, the King of Pop Michael Jackson has beat it and will no longer grace the television sets of millions and the grocery store aisle news magazine covers with his enigmatic life.

White people and Black people - members of every race on the planet - loved Michael Jackson during the 1980s, when the singer was pumping out hit after hit and inventing dance moves that invaded the vernacular faster than any singer before, or after.

Michael Jackson was a Black person by birth, but decided for reasons psychiatrists will debate for all eternity, decided he wanted to be white. He married the daughter of the former King of Pop, Elvis - the man whom he usurped that moniker from - in hopes of merging the two family dynasties into one entertainment conglomerate. That marriage ended in tragedy - divorce.

Over the years, Michael Jackson developed a strange ailment, rumored to be Vitiligo. Normally, this disease turns the pristine ebony skin into a veritable patch field of light blotchy pigments. Jackson, however, developed perfect ivory skin and some would argue Jackson took the message of his hit song with Paul McCartney literally...

Black people however, began to dislike Michael Jackson when he decided he would rather be a White person. Black people do not like any Black person "acting white" and to have the King of Pop decided not to "act white", but try and have the outward appearance of white person is the ultimate unforgivable sin in the Black community.

Michael Jackson had died, and the Black community is embracing the artist that was formerly Michael Jackson, yet distancing themselves from the strange white exterior that he came to show.

He was the first Black person to get a music video aired on MTV, a station that now seems to focus primarily on Black people hoping to replicate the success of BET. At the end of his life though, it was hard to imagine Michael Jackson was a Black person and on that same channel that once played his color-barrier breaking video, his image was hauntingly white.

A new field of whiteness studies could and should be created to study the interesting life of Michael Jackson, the man who Black people loved in the 1980s, found odd and strange in the 1990s and 2000s and now have had the 1980ssfaith in him restored, solely through his untimely passing. Stuff Black People Don't Like will always include the White version of Michael Jackson, for in the eyes of Black people he did the truly unthinkable: he didn't just "act white"; he tried to become white.

Friday, June 26, 2009

#400. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Michael Bay has made a number of movies that Black people love to see. Those titles include The Rock, Armageddon, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, Transformers and Pearl Harbor. He has endeared himself to Black people for casting Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as cool cops in the Bad Boys franchise, roles which are denied to white people because white cops are never cool in real life or movies. In movies, white cops are always evil racists that want to restore Jim Crow laws to America. Or, white cops in movies are the comedic fodder for their funnier, cooler Black counterpart.

Black people however, were none to pleased with Mr. Bay's latest offering, the horribly conceived film, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. The movie made a fortune at the box office its first day out - $60 million - which will ensure another horrid sequel, but critics were not to thrilled about the cinematic value of the film.

Regardless, Black people and most white reviewers of the film are in agreement: Transformers 2 is a vile piece of Hollywood fat, tossed to the masses so that they can gnaw on the inedible movie that showcases the "talents"of Meghan Fox - her looks - and the highly annoying Shia LaBeouf.

Black people - who are known for making a lot noise in the theater - have been up in arms though for the inclusion of two new robots in the film, Mudflap and Skids. In the words of one reviewer:
"If you snoop around movie sites today, you’ll find references to Mudflap and Skids, twin Autobots from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen who bear more than a passing resemblance to minstrel show depictions of African Americans. CHUD.com aptly dubbed them Little Black Sambots. The wider story is that Mudflap and Skids are just the tip of the insensitive iceberg in Bay’s newest film."
The so-called Little Black Sambots, are just robots - good guys who fight for the side of justice against the evil robots - were largely in the film for comic relief and never did anything that resembled courageous action. They just loitered in the background of the action a lot. The Little Black Sambots display Black people characteristics and mannerisms.

One reviewer wrote:
Mudflap and Skidz - the aforementioned “from da hood” Autobots with gold teeth, poor grammar, the inability to read (or speak with inside voices) and, final sigh, actual simian features. The voice work (by Spongebob Squarepants’ Tom Kenny) is more of the Howard Stern/Amos & Andy style as opposed to the Chris Rock “daaaaaamn!” variety."
Perhaps a better explanation of the two Black person inspired robots can be found here:
"The characters in question are Skids and Mudflap, who after an initial appearance as a ratty old ice cream truck are upgraded to be green and orange Chevys. More to the point, both characters speak with voices that sound like urban black stereotypes, have big ears and buck teeth and proclaim that they ‘don’t do much readin’‘. Skids even has a gold tooth."
Yes, the Black robots in Transformers 2 are based off of the urban Black male, and yes, Black people are aghast that this would be how Black robots are depicted in the film. To quote Kurtz,"the horror, the horror." One of the Black 'bots even has "grillz".Black people love to act Black, but they don't like to have a mirror held up so that they can see how their actions look on film. It hurts their feelings.

One of the Black person inspired robots does actually say, "don't do much readin," which must be inspired by the literacy rate in Detroit, where reportedly 50 percent of the population can't read.

Black people are horrified when reality is shown on film, instead of a fabricated lie and the portrayal of Black robots is just too much truth for the Black community. The negative depiction of Black robots is a disgusting reminder of the brutal truth Black people have been trying to suppress: that Black people aren't all as articulate and charming as Barack Obama.

Michael Bay has done a disservice to the Black community. He has shown Black people what Black robots would be like, and that is just something that can only be found in Stuff Black People Don't Like.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

#70. The Word Niggardly

Black people love words. There’s no getting around it. From “bling” to “booty” to “drive-by shooting,” Blacks have undoubtedly enriched the American English vocabulary. Incredible athletic achievements aside, Black people's top contribution to the American experiment is undoubtedly the new words that have flown smoothly into the vernacular. “You straight trippin dog,” to a new version of "for real" - which Black people say "fizzule".

We can credit Black people for their linguistic achievements—Flava Flav and Mike Tyson come immediately to mind - as top notch, verbose, representatives for their community.

Yet despite their creative knack for inventing slang, pidgins, and complex poetic genres like graffiti and human beatboxing, Blacks tend to be a little wary of Standard English words that contain six or more letters, especially if those words are combined together. Compound words like porch-monkey (the movie Clerks II tries to show white people taking porch monkey back) really throw Blacks into a rage, and they’re known to thereby justify any act of violence against anyone unfortunate enough to say these or other words that discomfort or confuse them.

Black people, however, do not like the word "niggard" or its more common usage, “niggardly,” for example. “Niggardly” means a miser, someone who is stingy. But for Blacks, “niggard” means…well, you know what it means. Black people automatically assume using the word niggardly is a racial pejorative, when in fact it is a fine word to denote someone who is parsimonious, primarily in tipping.

In fact, many white people have used the term "niggardly" before at their job, in a mulitracial setting, and found themselves deprived of that vocation soon thereafter.

Strange though, the etymology of the word "niggard" derives from 1366:
1366, nygart, of uncertain origin. The suffix suggests Fr. origin (cf. dastard), but the root word is probably related to O.N. hnøggr "stingy," from P.Gmc. *khnauwjaz (cf. Swed. njugg "close, careful," Ger. genau "precise, exact"), and to O.E. hneaw "stingy, niggardly," which did not survive in M.E.
Numerous uproars have occurred over the term "niggardly", most recently David Howard:
"David Howard, the white director of a Washington D.C. municipal agency [..] told his staff that, in light of budget cutbacks, he would have to be "niggardly" with funds. An uproar followed that resulted in Howard's resignation, which was accepted by Mayor Anthony Williams on the grounds that Howard had shown poor judgment.

Even some of the commentators who admitted that they knew that "niggardly" has no relation to "nigger" (the origins of the first word predate those of "nigger" by about 300 years) still condemned Howard. They were answered by the columnist Tony Snow, who wrote, "David Howard got fired because some people in public employ were morons who

a) didn't know the meaning of the word 'niggardly'

b) didn't know how to use a dictionary to discover the word's meaning and

c) actually demanded that he apologize for their ignorance."

"Niggardly" sounds, to the Black ear, too much like the term "nigger" or "nigga", which Black people are allowed to say to each other, but White people cannot. A white person saying the word "niggardly" or "nigga", let alone the mother of all hate words, "nigger" is grounds for expulsion from work, or in some cases, death.

Equipped with a biological capacity for language which rivals that of macaws (Zulu and other Bantu languages average about 20,000 documented words, while English and French have several hundred thousand), Blacks tend to overlook troublesome letters and simply go with their instincts. This leads not only to their extraordinary talent for misconstruing harmless phrases or words - like niggardly -, but also to their ability to create nonsensical words out of thin air, giving them an undeniable edge in scatting, freestyle rap, and slam poetry.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

#21. Being Quiet During Movies

Black people love going to the movies and enjoying cinematic escapism. Movies offer not only Black people, but all races, the opportunity to immerse themselves into celluloid comfort and to live vicariously through their favorite actors for an hour or two, before returning to the routine of life.

One thing Black people do not like, however, is not engaging the movie screen and refraining from interjecting opinion and a personal soundtrack into the film. Black people love to talk during movies, whether it is to their friends next to them; three rows behind them; or to their friend in another state via a cellular device.

Black people find talking to the movie screen during scenes of distress and intense action a soothing experience, and some Black people actually subscribe to the interesting theory that the louder they are during a film, the more their voice will likely alter the outcome and finality of the film.

This has yet to be proven - that the more decibels produced by Black people during a film can actually change the outcome of the movie - but it is continuously and rigorously tested during all films Black people attend and the hypothesis has yet to be discounted as false.

A Google search of the term "Black people loud at movies" returns more than 1.4 million hits, which means this phenomenon of Black people being loud at movies is not isolated to any particular geographic region where Black people live or where they view movies. "Black people talking during movies" returns almost 50 million hits on Google.

All movie-goers who attend movies with Black people are routinely bombarded with cell phone conversations; cries of hope, despair and directions of where the protagonist of the film should hide or where to run next to avoid the clutches/knife of the villain; and the occasional conversation between two Black people who attend the film about their life.

At a movie, it is a prerequisite that you leave all your excess emotional baggage at the door and engage in a total suspension of belief. However, Black people are incapable of being quiet during movies and thus, find it highly annoying that other moviegoers are not more attune to their needs during the film you have just paid $10 dollars to see.

This problem manifested itself in Philadelphia at the end of 2008, when a Black father and son where talking during the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. An irate movie patron, unaware of the thought to be universally-known theory that Black people can change the outcome of the movie by talking during the film, shot the dad in the arm.

Sadly, Benjamin Button continued getting younger and died. A yet to be confirmed rumor of another Black person who talked during this film yielded opposite results: Brad Pitt's eponymous character stopped aging and the movie ended happily.

Black people love movies, but they don't like to be quiet during them. Now you know why.

Monday, June 22, 2009

#101. The Jetsons

Black people love cartoons, almost as much as they love professional wrestling. Cartoons are simple to follow, contain an easy-to-digest storyline and hardly any difficult words to understand. All of that equals the perfect formula for the Black persons medium for a television show.

Black people might love cartoons, but Black people do not love The Jetsons. Produced in 1962 and 1963, when the United States was more than 90 percent white, The Jetsons depict a white family in the year 2062.

The only problem: in the future, there are no Black people. The lovable story of George Jetson, Jane his wife; his boy Elroy; and daughter Judy, unfold in a world without the deft touch of Blackness and Black people.

It is unhip, uncool and boring.. a world without rap music and where robots play sports instead of Black people and the occasional white guy. It is also a world of advanced technology, flying cars, zero pollution and, apparently without war and chaos. Crime seems to be a thing of the past and murder doesn't even happen.

Black people watch The Jetsons and see a white bread world that works efficiently; has advanced technology and a people who have mastered artificial intelligence. No longer are lower class people necessary for performing simple tasks around the house or janitorial work; Rosie the Robot is more than capable of said chore.

The future envisioned by the creators of The Jetsons is one of relative peace, without violence or murder, where technology has continued to move forward unabated and where Black people are no where to be seen.

Stuff Black People Don't Like begrudgingly includes the The Jetsons, though it might be a cartoon, it is unabashedly a cartoon that depicts what the future could have been like in the United States, without Black people fingerprints all over that blueprint.

The Jetsons offered white people a glimpse of a possible future on this continent, but they decided just like Black people, that they did not want any part of that future either.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

#57. Father's Day

Black people love holidays so much, that they have created a number of them that are only for Black people. Kwanzaa, Juneteenth Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day and of course, the entire month of February, are all events and holidays that Black people love to celebrate.

One holiday exists that Black people do feel uncomfortable with and by and large tend to skip celebrating it entirely: Father's Day.

Like the shunned Black kid who tries hard in class and is deemed "acting white" by his peers, Father's Day is a holiday that many Black people deem "too white" to celebrate.

These statistics illustrate why Black people don't like Father's Day:

"In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent."
President Barack Obama wrote an entire book dedicated to his deadbeat father, Barack Sr., and he recently came under a lot of fire in the Black community for taking deadbeat fathers to task for being, well deadbeats.

Statistics show that more than 70 percent of African-Americans are born out of wedlock.

June Perry tells us that:
"Many black women don't have a large pool of candidates for marriage due to social realities." Reasons for the limited pool include lack of employment, incarceration rates, and the general reluctance of black women to marry outside their race are highlighted."
Bill Cosby, America's favorite fictional sitcom father who helped create the (fictitious) image of the loving Black family in the 1980s, has got in a lot of hot water with the Black community for daring to criticize Black men.

Casey Gane-McCalla writes:
"Just like Jackie Robinson, Bill Cosby has paved the way for America to accept an African American in their household, and even the White House. The Huxtables not only humanized African American families and showcased professional African Americans, but it allowed Americans of all backgrounds to admire a black family...

In 1982 ... the images of African Americans in the media were mostly criminals, raunchy comedians, and blacksploitation movie stars. TV shows like Good Times and the Jeffersons showed Africans Americans as hard working and funny but without any professional polish."
The problem, outside of the largely media created image of Barack Obama as the perfect emblem of fatherhood and manliness - for whites as well as Blacks - Black people are largely defined by criminality, raunchy comedians and movie stars that are movie stars because they are black.

With a nearly 75 percent out of wedlock birthrate, Black people are raised primarily by their mothers. Cosby - who created the false image of a happy Black family - took Black people to task over their hatred of anything that can be deemed "acting white":

"No longer is a person embarrassed because they’re pregnant without a husband...No longer is a boy considered an embarrassment if he tries to run away from being the father of the unmarried child...Ladies and gentlemen, listen to these people. They are showing you what’s wrong … What part of Africa did this come from? We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans. They don’t know a damned thing about Africa— with names like Shaniqua, Shaligua, Mohammed, and all that crap, and all of them are in jail.”
Dr. Huxtable was attacked by the Black community for daring to bring to the light the idea that Black people aren't good fathers, and that Black people don't care about their community. How dare he do such a thing!

Black people care about their communities a lot. The Atlantic Monthly magazine reports:
"Blacks are 13 percent of the population, yet black men account for 49 percent of America’s murder victims and 41 percent of the prison population. The teen birth rate for blacks is 63 per 1,000, more than double the rate for whites. In 2005, black families had the lowest median income of any ethnic group measured by the Census, making only 61 percent of the median income of white families.
Judging by the state of the Black father in the Black community, one can only conclude that Obama was talking to Black people in a recent Parade article:
"Our children can tell. They know when we’re not fully there. And that disengagement sends a clear message—whether we mean it or not—about where among our priorities they fall."
Stuff Black People Don't Like obviously must include Father's Day. It's a holiday that is just too white, and Black people do everything possible to refrain from acting white. Thus, the reasoning behind not liking Father's Day.. it's too white a day.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

#208. Running Out of Chicken Wings

Latarian Milton, the seven-year-old from hell that makes the Problem Child look like one of the Brady Bunch kids, is back to show the world yet another example of Stuff Black People Don't Like.

Milton is the same child that was discussed in #198.
Waiting until 16th Birthday for Drivers License. He stole his grandmothers car and took it on a joyride, injuring many and telling the reporter that he did it, because:
"I like to do bad things."
Milton is back in the news now, this time for hitting his grandmother for not buying him chicken wings at the local Wal-Mart. Just like, running out of Fried Chicken and Grilled Chicken, Black people do not like running out of chicken wings. Especially Milton, who really hates being deprived of anything, whether it be the keys to his grandmothers rental car, or chicken wings at Wal-Mart.

His grandmother said, of the incident:
"He just started hitting me in front of the whole Wal-Mart, and everyone in there was upset. In my stomach, in my legs--wherever he could reach me, that's where he hit me."
Milton, like all Black people, do not like to be deprived of food (remember the woman who called 911 when she did not get her McNuggets). Black people need the nourishment of chicken, whether it be grilled, fried or in wing form. They will beat their own grandmother if deprived of that food.

Friday, June 19, 2009

#84. Ghosts, Dogs and Registered Mail (a hoax?)

Black people are sometimes subjected to horrifying hoaxes. Black people, it must be remembered, can do no wrong in America and because of them, we finally have what CNN has called the "first hip president" in Barack Hussein Obama.

Without the ultra-hip Obama at the helm, the United States would still be run by boring, dry and insipid White men.

However, Black people have been the subject of a ruthless hoax that has attempted to slander their collective good name in what they fear the most.

A purported poll in Ebony magazine asked that very question (what do you fear the most?) to its readership, which is comprised almost entirely of Black people.

Black people responded, with:
1. Ghosts
2. Dogs
3. Registered Mail
A poll was also purported to have been conducted by Country Living, a magazine devoted almost entirely to White people. It asked the identical question, garnering a much different top three from White people:

1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in US
2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness
3. Terminal illness/self
This largely internet driven rumor has been deemed a hoax. No such poll was conducted by Ebony. Nor Country Living.

Snopes, an online investigation website, reports that:
"...the racial denigration in the piece is obvious. When white folks worry, they concern themselves with weighty matters, but when black people fret, their anxiety focuses on far less dire things… Moreover… the fears of white people mostly involve dangers that threaten others as well as themselves, but black people (sic) worry about things that are strictly limited to the individual. Black people are therefore not only laughably trivial in their concerns, but also wholly self-involved."
How dare anyone believe that Black people are trivial, laughable and self-involved! This hoax, that Black people fear ghosts, dogs and registered mail is silly and obviously a lie.

Hoax-Slayer, a website that debunks hoaxes, goes further, writing:
"The bogus "results" of the supposed surveys perpetrate unjust and outdated racial stereotypes. The implication is that the black responders are motivated largely by foolish superstition while the "superior" white readership is concerned about more important issues. This idea is seemingly a throwback to earlier times in which black characters in books and films were often unfairly portrayed as shallow, overly superstitious, comedic figures as opposed to more intelligent and capable white characters.

The rather bizarre reference to "registered mail" is probably intended as a racial slur that suggests black people are more likely to receive unwelcome letters such as summonses, overdue payment demands and the like via registered post than are their white counterparts."
However, three recent stories do give some validity to this poll, an alleged fabrication. Perhaps it is just a coincidence that they all fall in line with the top three things Black people fear and all involve Black people.

In Atlanta, a woman was arrested for conducting an exorcism on her son:
"A Lilburn woman remained in jail Wednesday without bond after police said she attempted an exorcism on her own son.Police arrested Sandra Alfred, 46, on Friday, charging her with false imprisonment and child cruelty.She is accused of handcuffing her son and making him go without food for three days."
Michael Vick, a former All-Pro quarterback in the NFL, was convicted of numerous charges for his roll in killing dogs, and training them to be fighting animals. He was sent to jail and kicked out of the league. Any person who would kill dogs obviously does not like them and fears them.

And finally, perhaps the best example of Black people fearing registered mail, comes from the recent financial meltdown, which has been called the "diversity recession".

The article reports:
"About half of all mortgages for blacks and Hispanics are subprime, versus roughly one-sixth for whites."
The subprime Mortgage crisis, which has largely been the powder keg behind the financial meltdown of the world markets, is almost entirely due to subprime mortgages not being paid...

So, perhaps Black people would not want to see any registered mail, since its arrival in your mail box bespeaks something horrible, like not paying your mortgage and having your house foreclosed. Bizarre indeed.

These are of course minor examples of individual Black people, or in the case of the subprime mortgage fiasco - a lot of Black people - merely playing into hurtful stereotypes that the fictitious poll of things that Black people fear purported to find.

Black people do not fear these things. There is absolutely no proof that Black people are, "not only laughably trivial in their concerns, but also wholly self-involved."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

#171. Wasting Raccoon's in Detroit

Black people love Detroit. Comprising nearly 92 percent of the inhabitants of the 11th most populated city in the United States, Black people can take umbrage at any other city in America trying to classify themselves as the ultimate Black - or Chocolate city.

Detroit has a very colorful city council to represent the citizenry - even though many of those elected to protect the public interests are themselves currently under indictment for fraud, bribery and misuse of public funds - as they try and fight off massive job loss, rising crime rates ( most dangerous city in America), failing schools (Forty Schools closing) and the potential bulldozing of large sections of the city (another topic for Stuff Black People Don't Like, for another time).

CNN reports that you can buy a house for $100 down in Detroit:

"Dragging down the average are homes that are long abandoned or foreclosed on that are selling for pennies on the dollar. Detroit already had the lowest market value houses in Michigan before the latest rounds of job losses at GM and other huge employers, market analysts say."
Suffice it to say, Detroit is a thriving Black metropolis, a beacon and a veritable citadel for Black people's crowning achievement in America and an example of what Black people can bring to other major cities throughout the nation.

Black people love Detroit, for it is their city and the epitome of change and hope that all cities can look forward to undergoing during the Kafkaesque transformation of America.

Detroit no longer has a major grocery chain and:

"No national grocery chain operates a store here. A lack of outlets that sell fresh produce and meat has led the United Food and Commercial Workers union and a community group to think about building a grocery store of its own."
This void has left the fine citizens of Detroit with the major problem of how to acquire food. Thankfully, raccoon is filling that vacuum.

What Black people do not like though, is wasting good raccoon in the catacombs of the decaying, crumbling city that is Detroit. Raccoon is considered a delicacy in Detroit, a rare treat that is vital to nourishing Black people and enabling them to continue the cities meteoric rise to the top of the Green Revolution in America. White people might like LEED certification; Black people just like nature baby.

And in nature, anytime a raccoon passes away, the true urban hunter Glemie Dean Beasley - a 69-year-old retired truck driver - swoops in to cook it.

Travels with Charlie, reports:

"While economic times are tough across Michigan as its people slog through a difficult and protracted deindustrialization, Beasley remains upbeat.

Where one man sees a vacant lot, Beasley sees a buffet.

"Starvation is cheap," he says as he prepares an afternoon lunch of barbecue coon and red pop at his west side home."

The Raccoon raconteur continues:

"Coon or rabbit. God put them there to eat," Beasley said....Hunting is prohibited within Detroit city limits and Beasley insists he does not do so. Still, he says that life in the city has gone so retrograde that he could easily feed himself with the wildlife in his backyard, which abuts an old cement factory."

"This city is going back to the wild," he says. "That's bad for people but that's good for me. I can catch wild rabbit and pheasant and coon in my backyard.
The saga of Detroit is encapsulated in the saga of Beasley. Knowing over 100 ways to cook Raccoon, Beasley is a thriving entrepreneur who sells his wares to the cities inhabitants. The city might not resemble the optimistic future imagined in the film Robocop, but Black people don't like wasting raccoon in any environment.

Stuff Black People Don't Like does not include Detroit, which is the ultimate Black people's city, but it does including wasting Raccoon there, for any meal that can be found is a fine one indeed.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

#13. The Man

All Black people love conspiracies. Conspiracies that blame all Black problems on White people flourish in the Black community, especially conspiracies that date back hundreds of years, even thousands. Believing that White people stole numerous Black inventions; that many famous "White" people were actually Black - from Beethoven to Plato to Babe Ruth - and that White people are actually "ice people".

Black people believe that crack was introduced to their community to kill them and keep them down; that AIDS was invented to kill them all off, due to their high fecundity rates; and that gangsta rap was created to convince Blacks to kill each other.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright, pastor to the Obama's for 20 years, said, regarding the treatment of Blacks:

"The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, God damn America, that's in the Bible for killing innocent people... God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme."
Black people have a natural distrust and aversion of government, and believe that anything that originates from Washington, or from the media, or from the mouth of any White person is only approved to bring about their collective destruction by THE MAN.

The Man is:

"The Man" is a slang phrase that refers to the government, leaders of large corporations, and other authority figures in general, rather than a specific person. "The Man" is colloquially defined as the figurative person who controls the world."

All of the above mentioned plagues befallen the Black community are byproducts of "The Man" and his iniquitous imagination.Black people believe that "The Man" is behind all of his failures and all of his faults. He has kept Black people from creating flourishing nations in Africa; kept the alarmingly high Black illegitimate birthrate from falling; denied Black people a true golfing star and ensured Black scholastic achievement to be a mere dream.

(Watch Dave Chappelle discuss "The Man" and the numerous conspiracies that continue to destroy the Black community).

With the election of Barack Obama to the highest office of government, many Black people thought "The Man" was off their back, but Black people will recall he is only half-Black.

No, to Black people everywhere, "The Man" is sitting in an opulent high-rise office, surrounded by numerous - "The Man" - in training. He is sipping a glass of wine, while enjoying a cigar. His feet are propped up as he discusses the nefarious plans to subdue the Black man and all his recent gains. As he peers out the window of a 100-story building, the only thoughts "The Man" has, is how to acquire more power, and how to keep the Black man down.

Black people fear the rise of "The Man" and his omnipresent power is a constant reminder to Black people that they won't be free of his maniacal reign until all White people are removed from any position of power.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

#309. Barack Obama's N*ts

Black people love Barack Obama. To many, he is a God, a messiah. 96 percent of Black people in America voted for him in the 2008 election that gave him the presidency. A large segment of White people still love him as well.

Michelle Obama obviously loves Barack Obama, as ample evidence is given here and here. Women obviously love Barack Obama, as many have taken to fainting when in his majestic presence.

However, one man - perhaps in jest, perhaps in antipathy - voiced his distaste for Obama during the 2008 election and noted his desire to "castrate" the candidate for his talking down to Black people.

That man - the self-appointed, righteous purveyor of monolithic wisdom for Black people - the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Jackson has pledged his life to bringing about social justice for Black people, while also enriching himself in the process. The one-time presidential candidate himself found himself in hot, hot water for a comment he made regarding Barack Obama's, ahem, n*ts.

Wikipedia reports:
"On July 6, 2008, during an interview with Fox News, a microphone picked up Jackson whispering to fellow guest Dr. Reed Tuckson:"See, Barack's been, ahh, talking down to black people on this faith-based... I want to cut his nuts out."Jackson was expressing his disappointment in Obama's Father's Day speech chastisement of Black fathers. Only a portion of Jackson's comments were released on video. A spokesman for Fox News stated that Jackson had "referred to blacks with the N-word" in his comments about Obama; Fox News did not release the entire video or a complete transcript of his comments.Subsequent to his Fox News interview, Jackson apologized and reiterated his support for Obama."
What's interesting is the context of the criticism for which Jackson was joking about castrating the soon-to-be president. Obama had just given a speech attacking dead-beat Black fathers, and Jackson was upset about this. Never mind that nearly 75 percent of Black kids are born out of wedlock, Jackson was upset that Obama would "talk down to Black people."

Again, Jesse Jackson had this to say about Obama:

"See, Barack's been, ahh, talking down to black people on this faith-based... I want to cut his nuts out."
Jesse Jackson did apologize, but the damage has been done. Remember, Barack Obama passes the Brown Paper Test, so many Black people will find him not authentically Black enough if he starts to fail as president. Jesse Jackson has put in years of service to the Black community and he is a respected speaker and voice of the people - Black People.

Remember what Wanda Sikes said, lauding Obama as the first Black president:

"the first black President--unless you screw up. Then it's 'What's up with the half-white guy?' 'Who voted for the mulatto?'"
Black people might love Obama now, but as Rev. Jackson made perfectly clear - and he has been the voice of Black people for many years on the national and international state - his n*ts better watch out.

#152. Being Out-Rioted

Black people pride themselves on their ability to engage in civil disobedience that would leave Henry David Thoreau blushing (look at this list of riots for the 20th century).

Whether from real or imagined problems and issues, Black people have an amazing ability to conjure up anger and frustration at the slightest provocation, turning formerly peaceful streets into war zones resembling Mogadishu.

Black people love to riot after the mistreatment of a fellow Black person, regardless of the heinousness of the crime committed. We can all remember the Rodney King beating and subsequent riots in Los Angeles and Atlanta; causing more than $1 Billion in property damage and robbing 53 people of their lives. This riot eclipsed the Watts Riots from 1965, that saw only 34 people killed.

A recent riot in Oakland after the shooting death of Oscar Grant, lead to the arrest of 108 people, and subsequently, the shooting death of four white police officers by Lovell Mixon - who has became a hero in Oakland's Black community.

It was reported:
Police said the suspect, Lovell Mixon, 27, from Oakland, was on parole for assault with a deadly weapon. He had no-bail warrant for his arrest for violating parole. The Oakland Tribune reported Mixon had prior convictions in Alameda County for grand theft and possession of marijuana.

More recently, Blacks have rioted in Cincinnati; engaged in violence in Seattle riots; and North African immigrants in Paris burned portions of that city in 2005.

Indeed, Black people riot in every continent of the world and nearly every nation where they have a population - significant or minimal.

There were even fears that Black people would riot if Barack Hussein Obama was not elected president.

Black people have become synonymous with fierce rioters. It is a tried and true manner in which to get their way.

Black people, who have a fierce love of sports, also enjoy rioting after their team wins a major championship. Detroit, Chicago and Los Angeles have all seen riots break out after National Basketball Association (NBA) championship wins.

White people have tried to replicate riots on the scale of Black people, but have largely failed. Soccer hooliganism is relatively tame and frowned upon by the entire world. Black riots usually lead to rectifying of certain societal inequities, regardless of the validity of said accusations.

However, the recent 2009 Los Angeles Lakers win has put a new touch on riots, as images largely show Mexicans parading around downtown Los Angeles and engaging in previous-Negro approved behavior. Black people are scarce in the images and this raises a signficant question and conundrum: Stuff Black People Don't Like includes being out-rioted. Why were there so few Black people rioting after the Lakers win?

Black people are world class rioters. To be out-rioted by relative newcomers to the rioting scene, immigrants for that matter, has left a deep void in the Black rioting soul.

Black people do not like to be out-rioted and if their history of rioting is any indication, we are overdue for a massive riot in the United States.

Monday, June 15, 2009

#69. The Brown Paper Bag Test

Black people would like the world to believe that they truly are a universal brotherhood representing peace, tolerance and hope.

A Black man was just elected President of the United States running largely as the candidate who promoted change and tolerance. Black people voted overwhelming for him - 96 percent of Black voters nationwide voted for Barack Hussein Obama - giving the impression that Black people have a monolithic view on everything. However, this view is wrong when looking at the history of Black people, from Haiti to Black on Black crime in America.

Worse though for Black people, is the Brown Paper Bag Test. Black people do not like to talk about this sordid historical reminder that Black people can be prejudicial, because it is a well known fact that only White people can be racist and bigoted.

The Brown Paper Bag Test is said to have originated in slave days, and the impetus behind it was that light skinned Black people were more favorable than dark skinned Black people:

"According to an article written by Audrey Elisa Kerr, an associate English professor at Southern Connecticut State University, light-skinned slaves-particularly women-were considered "gentler, kinder, more handsome, smarter, and more delicate" than darker-skinned slaves."
Black people not only encountered racism from White people in the 19th century and 20th century, but from light-skinned Black People as well. The article continues:

"Washington, D.C., once played a large role in the dark-skin/light-skin game. Because slavery did not have such an economic impact in the District, many free blacks preferred to reside in the area. In the mid-19th century, barbershops began accommodating only light-skinned black men.

Not only was race a factor, but skin tone became one. Churches, schools and various organizations utilized the paper bag test for social verification. There were also multitudes of brown bag parties, clubs, and social circles."

Bill Maxwell, a columnist for the St. Petersburg Times decries the problem of the Brown Paper Bag Test as 'colorism', writing:

"Elite blacks of the early 20th century were fair-skinned almost to the person. Even today, most blacks in high positions have fair skin tones, and most blacks who do menial jobs or are in prison are dark. Believe it or not, popular black magazines, such as Ebony as Essence, prefer light-skinned models in their beauty product ads."

Black people are rightly appalled by this historical blip in their clean record of racial bias or hatred, but the record clearly indicated that Black people discriminate against each other, based on the lighter skin pigmentation of some Blacks compared to the higher level of melanin in others.

Henry Louis Gates, a Black professor, tells a story of the Brown Paper Bag Test:

"Some of the brothers who came from New Orleans held a "bag party.' As a classmate explained it to me, a bag party was a New Orleans custom wherein a brown paper bag was stuck on the door. Anyone darker than the bag was denied entrance
The Brown Paper Bag Test is included in Stuff Black People Don't Like for reasons that should now be fairly obvious: Black people are immune from the charge of racism or holding negative view of other races. The Brown Paper Bag Test would prove otherwise.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

#6. Tipping

One of the many secrets that Black people never wanted to be shared with the masses is their complete and utter disdain for tipping. Black people are intrinsically opposed to parting with their money - one of the reasons they love to shop for the elusive 100 percent discounted item - and find it deplorable to have to leave a gratuity for the menial vocation of fetching and serving them their food and beverage.

Black people have developed these views from the many centuries of slave labor they were forced to perform, not only for White people in the United States, but for Muslims in the Ottoman Empire and for their fellow Black people in Africa - of which, many Black people profited enormously by selling their fellow Black people to White people.

Historically, being a slave meant doing horrible jobs for long periods of day and Black people were never tipped for their services rendered to their owner. Thus, Black people have formed an evolutionary hatred of parting with any money above the designated amount due for their meal.

Tipping is antithetical to Black people's eating out habits. Evolutionary psychology has produced an entire race of people who are incredibly parsimonious with their money and are niggardly when it comes to dispensing even five percent to a hardworking server.

One of the most prominent Black people , basketball player LeBron James, epitomizes the Black person who leaves porous tips. He makes roughly $15 million a year, but for a bill that came to $800, he left a mere $10 dollar tip.

The story goes as follows:

"It went down like this: LeBron pulls up in his Mercedes outside XO. People stop and try not to stare, but c’mon, it’s LeBron James. He enters the restaurant with a group of friends. On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs.
The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they’d be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger.
LeBron stiffed them with a meager $10 tip."
This is not an isolated incident. Jeff Large, a Black columnist in lily-white Seattle, wrote a column about Black tipping and the reality of the problem. He too realizes that his fellow Black people are horrible tippers.

Large writes:
"It wasn't long ago that laws changed to allow black people into businesses that would not have permitted us before, and we weren't always welcomed warmly.
Many black folks weren't up to speed on the culture of restaurant dining as it is practiced in more affluent communities. Surveys find an attitude difference too, as black folks wonder why restaurants don't just pay their help a decent salary to begin with."
He goes on to add:

"...One waiter said, "... all the servers I work with hate having to wait on minorities, Black people, in particular, (and over half or our wait staff is Black!!!)."
Cornell University's School of Hotel Administration did a study on tipping and found that a major divide in tipping between Black people and White people does exist.

NPR reports that:

"The study found that 63 percent of blacks and 30 percent of whites didn't understand that the standard restaurant tip in the United States is 15 to 20 percent."
Those who work in the service industry and come upon a group of Black people in your section are forewarned: Stuff Black People Don't Like includes tipping. Regardless of your serving skills, even LeBron James might stiff you. Odds are, like all Black people and their reluctance to leave a gratuity, he will.